It Felt Good -or- Dinner In (unofficial version)

So admist the drama that has beset me lately, I found time for myself, amazingly. I've been out of work for a long time, so my daughter has been home with me... all the time. It's difficult to find a sitter, especially when you don't "have" to have one (like for an appt or something), so it's been rather... well, um... hard; y'know to have a person up your butt 24/7. A small person who's inexperienced in the idea of alone-dom no less.
BUT--- last week, we managed to get out of the house & wear ourselves out. We were gone ALL DAY. By the time we got home at 7pm, both of us were pooped, but the tot was so exhausted, she kicked off her shoes and walked straight to her room where she passed out on her bed in her clothes.

...
...
...

It was so quiet in the house...
...
...
...

I remember standing in the kitchen; just standing there, staring off into the dark foyer towards her room. I turned around and stared at the darkness seeping from my bedroom. I turned again & stared at the little bit of light struggling to stay above the horizon & blue the sky, while blackness crept in.

I didn't hear a sound.
No ticking clock. No purrs from the cats. No squeak from the unbalanced ceiling fan.
Nothing.
No static. No electronic pulse. No energy lull.
It was, for once, completely silent.

I quietly poured myself a glass of water from the fridge. I propped myself up against the island sink w/the stove light on & just stood there & sipped my water for what seemed like an hour, soaking it up.
It felt good. And it felt good that I was feeling good about it, and not sad.

The silence didn't last too terribly long however, as I began filling my kitchen with sounds of sizzling meat & the chop of crisp veggies against a wood board.
I cooked for myself. Something I really wanted. Something I probably wouldn't normally take the time out to make. It felt good.

I popped in a movie; one I had never seen, but always wanted to. One I knew my daughter would never sit through.

I covered up & slumped down into the couch, slowly ate my food and quietly enjoyed a movie all the way through to the end... alone; for the first time in almost a decade. It felt good.

When it was over, I tidied up a bit, then ever so slowly, one by one, turned out the lights. First the stove, then the kitchen, then the living room lamp.

I got on my pjs, brushed my teeth in the dark, and then called it a night. Crawling into bed that night, I didn't feel lonesome or sorry for myself, as I have alot in the past. I felt good that for once I had silence to cherish & to manipulate the way I wanted to.
I said my prayers, thanked the Lord for the experience & dropped off to sleep.
It felt good :)
--

PS- the meal & movie were homemade chilli & Fried Green Tomatoes

Isolation

Divorce sucks. It's literally isolated me from everyone and everything imaginable for quite some time now. No phone, no television, no net, no radio, no car... It's amazing how much of life comes down to money, and it's shocking how much that's left of love comes down to it too.
Anyway, I'm back, even if only part time. I'm currently sick as a dog, and at the local library, sitting next to a young man who reaks of cigarette smoke. Lovely.
The internet here SUCKS royally. They've yet to come to terms with the power of technology and how much having it up to date can affect one's life. Just trying to print out career applications took 3x longer than what it would at home. Looking at the comp itself, it actually has a floppy disc drive. Can you believe that? Dinosaurs. (I'm hoping it's just this particular library, b/c the one I checked out for my last entry was amazing.)
Well, I just wanted to give you guys an update. I'm not sure that when Tanya Davis tried to teach us how to be alone, she meant to learn via crash course in isolation from the rest of the world.
It's been like living as an eskimo in an igloo somewhere far North, but with strong heat and humidity, rather than killer cold and snow. But I've learned to accept the circumstances I'm in, and I just pray and work towards the day when this situation will no longer exist.
I'm sorry I've been out of commission so long, but there are certain instances in life where these things can't be helped. For what it's worth, I'm sorry, and I've missed you all... what little of you there might be left. I'll do my best to check in from time to time, but for now, looks like the journey's been put on hold :(
Bummer.
Love to you all <3

Library

"...the library... Where you can browse the stacks and smell the books. You're not supposed to talk much anyway so it's safe there." - Tanya Davis, How to Be Alone

I was frustrated. I was in a neighboring town I'd visited often, & I wasn't lost, but the library didn't seem to be where the internet said it would be in this town. Let me repeat myself. I wasn't lost. *narrows eyes & grins at all of you who are chuckling at my obnoxious statement*
I call them. Turns out, the damn place IS right where the internet said it was supposed to be, but I was just oblivious to it. It was smack dab off the main road, in between a grocery store & an Applebee's. My irritability melted away when I scored a terrific parking spot, right near the entrance, under a beautiful tree in the shade.

As I walked in, I stopped the first librarian I saw behind a counter & asked how long this specific library had been there. 
"1978," she said, laughing as she saw my mouth drop. How is it, that a person like myself, never knew it was there? I'd driven past it so many times, & never took notice of it's presence. I'd eaten at the restaurants next to it & others in the area many times; I'd shopped at that grocery store before, & still never knew that pillar of knowledge was wedged between them. Go figure!

It'd been quite some time since I'd visited a library. Not since before my youngest was born; I think, when I went to the one in my hometown, checked our 4 or 5 books, & never returned them.
What?
Oh, c'mon! You know you've done it too! Some of you may even still have books from your high school library, so I don't wanna hear it. After all, I happen to have donated to my local library, so it cancels out. So there. =P

There was something soothing about being there. Something familiar & comforting. As if I had just returned home. I sat down at one of the many tables, to write some of these first thoughts down, when I noticed a warning sign about the wireless internet connection there. It made me chuckle to think of the local library having wi-fi. As I looked around me, I saw an eclectic group of ppl, & two computer labs. One with about 20 hi def comps, accompanied by a computer lab monitor (yes, that's a local gov't employee), & the other on the opposite side of the building, in the "juvenile" section, equipped with 7 or 8 comps, & kids playing all kinds of educational but challenging games. Very cool.
It reminded me of some of my favorite comp games when I was a child. Like "Where in the World is Carmen San Diego?" & "Oregon Trail." Remember those? Man, those were good quality games. I gotta find me a computer junkie now, to hook me up!

Anyway, moving on. I got up & started to do what I came to do; what I was most excited about. Browsing the books. I made my way to the farthest corner, near a large, wall sized window, just pouring in the sunlight. I stepped into the warmth of it's rays, & breathed in deep, & took in the smell of the books behind me. I strayed there in the natural light for a moment, & peered out over the lawn, where some wrens were pecking at the dirt under the lush grass. I immediately wanted to check out a book & go sit outside & just soak up all the moment had to give me, but I'd only been there all of 15 mins, so... I pressed on.

As I took a step back from the window to continue on my journey, the sun lit up a stained glass portrait hanging from the tip top. It resembled a library, in old days. There was a black man in a hat sitting under a tree reading a book. Above the building in the picture, there was statement that read, "Nourishment for the Soul." I absolutely loved it.


For a while, there was a lot of the bending of the head, cocking it to one side, to read the vertical labels & authors listed on the bands of the books. I eventually found one I felt was worth picking up. In doing so, I noticed something about myself. I tend to prefer solid colored books, or at least solid colored bands, with book covers that have simple color patterns. The book I picked up was, "Aesop Without Morals," in which there were hundreds of the short but lesson filled fables, with primary illustrations. My favorite was #32, called The Homicide, in which we learn, dear friends, that Karma is a bitch, & folks even in Aesop's times recognized it. Ha. 
 
I made my way through the rows, finding tons of things that intrigued me. I have to admit, I felt a bit like Belle from Disney's "Beauty & the Beast," in the scene where the beast throws back the curtains in the library & gives her those thousands of books. It was rather overwhelming, being surrounded by such wealth of knowledge. 

It occurred to me, quite often when my thoughts would get to me, that in being alone amongst the books (at least that many books), it doesn't really feel like being alone.

 I could almost hear the books calling out to me (a biography on the late Elizabeth Taylor more so than most), "Pick me! Pick me!" I was reminded of the brilliant film, "The Pagemaster," with the astounding actor Christopher Lloyd.

I found the HUGE dictionary that each library always has open, & as always, got curious as to which word it was opened to. "Cantankerous" was at the top of the opened page. Hm. Interesting.

I continued on back around toward the entrance, & was pleasantly surprised at what I found. Free Income Tax Forms. A table about 20 feet long lined with them. Isn't that cool? Next to it was a bulletin board for community activities scheduled to take place there at the library, & sign up info on lots of clubs to join, classes to take, & fundraisers to participate in. There was also a ton of pamphlets on raising public awareness on things like Domestic Violence & Discrimination.

There was a Graphic Novel section (oh my), standing alone, near the librarians quarters. I found that amusing. There was also a section specifically for CDs (mainly movie soundtracks), DVDs & Audio Books, separated into discs & audio cassette. I loved that they still carry tapes. I was glad for that. There should be a little of the past mixed in with the ever fast paced present.

What I didn't find was the machines where you can browse through really old newspapers, but I suppose you can't have your cake & eat it too.

I took note of the color of the walls. Most of them were a deep teal, an underwater color almost. Very soothing. The white ones were covered in inspirational, & very colorful artwork, I assume from children & young adults in the community.

I'm totally smiling. My eyes give it away :)

I made my way back to the poetry section (of course, it's my absolute favorite. I could live there), & spent the remainder of my stay there (til the announcement that the library would be closing in 5 mins came over the loud speaker. Yeah. I was there a while). I stuck my nose in a book, smelling the crispness of the paper, feeling the indents of the inked words under my fingertips, hearing the creak in the bind, my senses firing off as I began my journey. I was transported to another world by power of the imagination & didn't want to leave.

I did not notice anyone else around me. I was completely enveloped in myself & what I possessed within my grasp, & for the time being, for once...


I was completely content being alone.
The beginning of success is now <3
 

Coffee Shop

"start with the acceptable places: the coffee shop... Where you can get your caffeine fix and sit and stay there," -Tanya Davis, How to Be Alone

I'm gonna jump from past to present tense in this entry, which is literar-ically incorrect (as well as that word I just made up), but oh well. I like it. Deal with it, and love it (please?) <3

I really wanted to go to a small, perhaps family owned coffee shop, instead of one of those big chains, like the obvious Starbucks, or Joe Muggs, or Dunkin Donuts. I had my eye on a place in my home town called Wholly Ground, but their hours didn't fit my schedule, so I was forced to go big. Yupp, you guessed it. Starbucks. Ah, lovely. For someone who has been an entrepreneur, I felt like I was cheating some unwritten code by buckling down and doing this there. Oh well. To the cause.

So, prior to this, I'd NEVER stepped foot in a Starbucks in my life, much less, alone. I've just always been highly against them, but se la vi (and yes, I know it's correctly spelled "c'est la vie" but I happen to like the look of the former better than the latter. I'm strange. Who's surprised here?).

I chose one that was right around the corner from where I was spending my weekend, & right up the road from the next destination on my list, the library.

As I approached the door, there was a lettering on it that said they'd been open for 40 years. I was surprised. It seemed to me that Starbucks only came on the scene about 10-15 years ago. But the fact that they'd been around so long actually made me feel tons better. I'm still not sure why. Some of that reassurance was smited when I walked in & saw the fully operational drive thru. Yeah, that kinda killed it, ha.

Being in a coffee shop period is a little out of the ordinary for me to begin with being that I don't drink coffee or tea as a lifestyle choice (yes, that probably also means religious). But being that I've worked as a barista before, I knew there'd be something I could drink that wouldn't interfere with my nutrition plan. I got a newspaper, ordered a double chocolatey chip frappichino (with no espresso, which is called a creme but with that little accent symbol over the first 'e' but I can't figure out how to get it there), a piece of chocolate chip banana bread, & a dark chocolate bar, & made my way to the worn but comfy teal chairs in the corner just beside the entrance.

I really loved the style of music they played, & as I sat and relaxed, glorified chocolate milk in hand, I observed my surroundings. There was an impressive outside seating area, lots of signs that promoted the support of the Red Cross relief for the disaster in Japan, & some stuff concerning AIDS awareness in Africa promoted by (RED). I was beginning to like this place even more. They weren't the selfish-stuck-up-big-corporate-junkies I'd originally thought they'd be.

There weren't very many ppl in there, which also surprised me, b/c I'd always seen the parking lot of those places packed. But the few ppl that were in there amused me. There were two ppl on laptops (& I wondered how I must look compared to them, with my handy dandy notebook [yes, that was a Blue's Clues ref, I have kids, lol] & pen) & two young men in the other set of comfy chairs. I chuckled b/c they looked like they could have been members of a band like Fall Out Boy. As time went on, I found myself making up descriptive nicknames for lingering customers based purely on their appearance.

-There was the Laptop Lady (who later became the Angry Laptop Lady)

-The Old Youngin - an older man wearing aviator shades, beige skinny jeans, & sporting badly highlighted hair.

-The Cuban Cigar Man - also took the nickname of Howard Stern, later when I finally put my finger on who he reminded me of.

-The Birthday Card Guy - who was yummy enough to be on the cover of a birthday card.

-Old PDA Couple - nuff said there.

-Purple Count von Count Guy - a guy wearing a purple shirt that had the face of The Count from Sesame Street on it (very cool btw)

Some of these folks had virtually no influence on my experience at the coffee shop, some did.

I realize that I'm not really hungry, & that I don't want to eat my cake. I set it up all nice & pretty on the table next to me, in between the two comfy chairs. I decide that I'm going to do an experiment. The first fearless person who comes & sits next to me in these coveted chairs, I'd give them my cake.

No one came. Punks.

Plenty of folks eyeballed the chair, but no one parked their bottoms.

I started to read my paper. I haven't read a paper in so long, & the thought of it excited me, but the headlines were discouraging. Has no one any good to report in the world today? Reading about all the tragedy in the world made me sad (and so did the fact that no one came to sit next to me. Psh. Snobs.). I read in the paper that today was the 99th day of the year. And that it is Hugh Heffner's 85th birthday. That was probably the most positive thing in the paper... well, the 99th day thing. I'm not sure if news that a PlayBoy perv has outlived... wait. I guess living well enough to live long is something positive, & getting it on at that age is something to be proud of too. Hm, well then, previous partial statement retracted. Happy 85th, Heff.

The Laptop Lady keeps looking at me awkwardly. I bet she's wondering what I'm writing, & why I keep snapping random pictures. I dodge eye contact with her b/c she's starting to weird me out with as much as she's making my presence her business. 

There were an extraordinary amount of kids that came in with their parents which surprised me. I'd never think a Starbucks was a place to bring kids, but apparently, it's fun. Especially if you're a kid armed with an iPad. A father & a daughter came in, & after they got their snacks & drinks, he very audibly asks her where she wants to sit. He looks at me as if he's waiting for me to give up my seat b/c there are TWO comfy chairs, TWO of them, & only ONE of me. Ha. Nope. Sorry! I'm on a mission, & I'm damn well gonna be comfortable while I'm accomplishing it.

I sat there long enough to where the sounds & the smells were so familiar to me, that I actually started to get that panicky feeling like I was at work, & I had to fight the urge to ask random ppl if they needed help with anything.
I need a nap, & I want to leave. But Howard Stern just lit his Cuban outside right next to the entrance, & I know if I even get one whiff of that nasty thing, I'll hurl.

A song comes on that I know & love. I sing along.

What? I don't care. It was second nature. And it was fun. And it didn't sound completely horrendous.

Yeah, NOW you have a reason to look at me Laptop Lady =P

She then begets her newer nickname, & becomes Angry Laptop Lady, when she gets on her cell & starts yelling at the someone on the other end.

"It's not out til JUNE... Well, I'm telling YOU, I'm looking right at it,"

Shortly after that, she gets up to pee & then leaves. Thank goodness.

A man who I made eye contact with & smiled at, who I was trying to will into the seat next to me with my mind (*says inside my head to him, "Come sit next to me. Please. You can have my cake,"*) sat down outside alone.

At first, as I have in previous entries, I pondered why we seclude ourselves when we're all in the "endless quest for company" (as so stated by the poem that inspired this entire thing)-- but then I thought...
Perhaps all these ppl (well, at least some of them) are all graduates of the lesson I'm trying to learn. Perhaps they're comfortable being alone, & in some instances, like now, actually prefer it.

Hm, lesson in progress. :)

Birthday Card Guy comes in, smiles, & makes eye contact & looks as if he's going to ask if the seat next to me is taken (wishful thinking?), but he chickens out & sits where Angry Laptop Lady was & pulls out his Mac. He never looks up again.

Ugh, a Mac. Oh well, at least he's nice to look at ;)

I start running some numbers in my head. 37 ppl passed by me & looked at my empty seat. 12 did not.

Roughly 40% of the ppl who came into the store were alone, & 83.7% were well dressed.

I don't know if any of these numbers mean anything, but I ran em anyway. It was interesting.

One person spoke to me. ONE.

An older man who said as he was leaving, "Looka you sittin there all by yourself," as if it was a shame that I was. Nice man. Thanks for pointing out the obvious.

The father & daughter got up to leave, & as they did, the little girl was talking to her dad about me (y'know you can always tell when someone's talking about you, as they cover their mouths with their hand, & both sets of eyes dart toward you,). I think she wanted to ask me something, & I'm pretty sure he encouraged her to (Yay Dad!), but she chickened out too, & left, chewing on her hair.

Oh honey, don't do that.

I decide I've had enough & get ready to brace Cuban Cigar Man/Howard Stern as I get up to throw my napkins & drink away. No sooner do I turn around from the trash can, two rude women have taken my spot(s). I didn't care so much, but I hadn't cleared out all my stuff yet. How the crap did they know I was done? Damn.

It just kinda made me sad, especially when no one wanted my cake.

Oh well.

Overall, it was kinda nice. I just may do it again. It seems fairly normal to be in coffee shop alone, at least to 40% of the folks that came through while I was there. Maybe they're onto something the rest of us aren't. Hmmmm...

Daily Ritual

So, a bit of a recap, to hold you folks over til I can get to the coffee shop & library, which are next up on the list.

Last month I completed two goals off the list, but only one ended successfully: the bathroom. In which, I learned the serenity that comes with the ever-popular-among-women bubble bath, among other things.
I was in fact, so impressed with the outcome that this seemingly trivial notion had on my mood that I decided to adopt it as a New Year's resolution. That is to say, I've made it my goal, well, habit now, to take a steaming hot bubble bath every single day. Whether it be at night, in the morning, during tot's nap time, or 3am, it's happening. I promise you. Even if for only 20 mins instead of the hour and a half I like.

It indeed does sound cliche, and the image of a woman sitting in a big bathtub, with candles lit, perhaps a book in hand, or soft music playing, covered from breast to knee in foamy, aromatic goodness certainly does strike most as feminine. I assure you though, if more of you, all of you, including the masculine, males & females alike (I believe they're called Tomboys) would give this a shot, you'd understand what I'm talking about.

I don't generally even wash while I'm in the tub. That makes it feel like I have something to accomplish, instead of just chillaxing. I save washing for a separate time in my stand alone shower.
I want to be able to just slip into the steaming hot water, breath, think positive thoughts, and let my muscles relax. It brings me a peace I haven't been able to seem to find anywhere else.
It's actually been noted by several who've been in contact with me prior to bathtime, as well as after, that my disposition is drastically different.
I'd liken it to pot. Not that I smoke (haven't since I was a knuckle headed teenager, b/c personally I think it's a disgusting and dirty habit), but it's something that you don't necessarily have to do, but desire to strongly b/c it makes you feel good (perhaps I'll edit that sentence out later when I can think of something else to compare it to, but that's all I got for now).

So, the bath experience doesn't just end at the moment your feet hit the tile. If you're like me, you want that euphoric feeling to last as long as possible. So I highly advocate air drying.
It's a strange concept to most, but resist the urge to towel dry. Squeeze all the water out of your hair, if there is any. Wrap the towel around you to make the trek to your bed or chair or wherever you intend on finishing up your dazzling experience, then take it off, drape it over wherever you're going to plant your glistening tail, and just be (if you have a fireplace, do this in front of it, and know I'll be envying you).
Do not cover yourself. Let the air wick away the droplets of moisture from your cool skin, and let your muscles, after being buoyant for a time, sink and come back to grips with gravity. The feeling is soothing and exhilarating at the same time. Very refreshing. You'll notice the variation in your temperament, and your body, mind & senses will thank you.

All that being said, I am off to go soak until all the bubbles in my garden tub have all dissipated & my worries and stresses have left me, even if only until tomorrow.
Temporary release.

Til I can make it to my next adventure... goodnight lovers. <3

Delay

So I understand it's been two and a half weeks since I posted an entry, and I've been getting some complaints. But I promise it's not b/c I'm out doing adventures and just not chronicling them. It's b/c these are called my "alone adventures," and to do them I have to actually be alone.

Between my work, the tot, church, and then just regular everyday normal stuff, I'm quite rarely ever alone. I have to go out of my way to make time for it; pull teeth for a sitter, put off appts and piss ppl off.

I'll get there though. I really am working on it. I promise.
Hope to have the next entry up by Saturday morning at the latest.
In the meantime, you can check out either one of my other blogs, with links posted to the right of the screen, and also all the way at the bottom.

Enjoy children, and thanks for your fanship! I love you all!

<3 -Kris

Dinner & Movie - Part 1

"...take yourself out for dinner. A restaurant with linen and silverware. You're no less intriguing a person when you're eating solo dessert and cleaning the whipped cream from the dish with your finger. In fact some people at full tables will wish they were where you were.
Go to the movies. Where it is dark and soothing. Alone in your seat amidst a fleeting community." - Tanya Davis, How To Be Alone

This concept was so new to me, not only b/c I'd never done it, but being that my preconceived notions on the matter were that, quite frankly, to do these things alone was rather pathetic. It's often been suggested to me by friends, seeing that I needed a break from life for a while, to just pick up and take myself out; to pamper myself.

Go to a fancy restaurant, by yourself?

Buy a ticket at the theater for one?

Who does that?

Apparently, lots of ppl, it just went unnoticed by me.

So I did it. I didn't want to start out this strong, but the opportunity presented itself and I dashed for it like it was a dog who had just broke free of his leash and ran (not sure if I was the dog or the owner in that scenario).

I went all out. Shaved my legs, did my hair, put on make-up, and picked out the best clothes I owned to wear (which isn't saying much, but oh freaking well, I tried).

As I was in my new favorite spot (the bathroom), I was surprised at myself at how meticulous I was being with my make-up. I wanted it to look perfect. But why? I wasn't going to impress anyone. Chances were I wouldn't run into anyone I knew, so why the fuss over what to wear and look like?

B/c it was nice, and I wanted to. That's why. If I'm gonna look good for anyone, it might as well be me.

When I donned the attire, and stepped out of my room to look at myself in the full length mirrors I have in my kitchen, I almost didn't recognize myself. I hadn't seen that girl since before she'd gotten married. She was a good bit rounder now, but it was exciting to see her nonetheless.

My furry babies (my two cats) seemed rather excited too. Perhaps they could feel it in the air.

Before I left the house in my red high heels and killer matching outfit, I popped on a flare button to my overcoat, to give me inspiration.

It read: I'M WITH AWESOME

Very fitting I'd say. I was actually nervous about dating myself, how strange is that?!

So, I bought my movie ticket first, before going out to dinner. That was a long walk to the box office. Longer than my walk down the aisle when I married. There were a few eyes in the parking lot, but not many, but I was almost certain they were staring at me. Perhaps it was what I was wearing, lol, but at any rate, at least I looked good.

OAN: the walk back to the car proved rewarding, b/c I snagged a lost lavender Louis Vuitton stole, in perfect condition, and valued at $350 smackeroos (according to the official website). Night started great.

So, off to dinner I go, to one of my favorite restaurants, that I haven't been to in years. A local getup, Oscar's, where there's always fresh flowers on the tables, and candlelight, the staff all have to wear black ties. Very clean, very fresh.

Well, guess what? It's under new management, and it's been remodeled since I've been there last. But it was quaint, just not as nice as I remember.

The host, Bruce, who I later found out was also the GM, was warm and pleasant, but seemed distraught that I was alone. He seated me in the bar area, separated from what was going to be my fine dining experience by walls, closed doors, and a bunch of TVs broadcasting the Australian 4th Open at each freaking table.

Still, I was optimistic. As I sat down in my booth, I realized that perhaps my ass was too big for my dress (as was confirmed later by observing pics I had Bruce take in the lobby-- whoa!) b/c I could feel it come up underneath me and the backs of my bare thighs were pressed against the hard wood of my seat. I was immediately grateful that I was alone.

Once I ordered, I watched a bit of the tennis that was on at my table, and after deciding I might like to play tennis, I turned it off. It was distracting me from my purpose.

My food came out swiftly, to both me and my server's surprise, and it was indeed delicious. Looking at my appetizer, I was suddenly overcome with a sense of deja vu. I had dreamed this up once, not long ago, only I remember in my dream, someone was sitting across from me. Weird.

I took my time with my meal, all while trying not to be irritated with the boisterous crowd of six not far behind me, discussing the internet, and FaceBook, whilst misconstruing networking with popularity.

Then dessert came. It was a crepe filled with gourmet vanilla ice cream (probably Bryer's) topped with whipped cream and chocolate sauce.

It was good, but it wasn't great.

I was actually kinda disappointed with my entire experience there. I paid and tipped my server, and on my way out, I asked Bruce why he insisted on seating me in that area. He told me that he notices that ppl alone seem uncomfortable on the dining room side of the restaurant, and he thought that since I was alone, I'd like to be with a more lively crowd, and being that there are televisions at the tables, I wouldn't get bored.

Boy, was he wrong.

It got me wondering about how ppl surround themselves with strangers all the time, and are in a perfect position to have some sort of contact with another being, have the sting of their loneliness dampened, but yet most times we seclude ourselves despite this, b/c interaction with one another is perceived to be strange or awkward.

I left, irritated and lonely, but reminding myself, "at least I look amazing."

The movies wasn't much better. While the movie itself was phenomenal (The King's Speech), it really defeated the purpose. Aside from one couple sitting down at the bottom row, I was the only other person in there.

"Alone in your seat amidst a fleeting community."  I couldn't feel whatever it was that I was supposed to feel b/c there was no community. Just me, my popcorn and soda, my blanket, and my legs propped up on the seat in front of me.

So yeah, I think there's a reason the list is put together the way it is. I wasn't prepared to take on that challenge just yet; I hadn't gone through the other exercises first. I decided I'm gonna try these both again, separately. Maybe go to a movie on opening night, see what sparks in my head. Maybe treat myself to reservations to a dinner downtown. We shall see.

On the way home, I stopped and bought myself some fancy satin underwear, some tulips, and one of my favorite movies (Tombstone), so the night wasn't a complete waste. I ate, I saw a movie, and I went shopping. Done deal.

Bathroom

"If you are at first lonely, be patient. If you've not been alone much, or if when you were, you weren't okay with it, then just wait. You'll find it's fine to be alone once you're embracing it.
We could start with the acceptable places: the bathroom... Where you can stall and read the paper," -Tanya Davis, How To Be Alone

I started simple. The loo is supposed to be a place where you can always be alone if you want to, right?

Wrong.

When you have children, that simple daily hygienic activity becomes invaded and you lose your sense of privacy. Brushing your teeth, washing, or the most obvious... all becomes a precious commodity (I think I've said this before in another blog somewhere), where bargaining eventually becomes begging and usually gives way to forfeiture after pleading for a moments pause just so you can be alone with your pants around your ankles.

However: the tot was not home. I seized the moment, and instead of dishes, laundry, or the much needed nap, I camped out in the bathroom.

Both bathroom's actually, ha.

I chose the more dancy of my three playlists, cranked it up, and what followed felt like a blast from the past. Apparently, there's a ton to do in a bathroom, and I did all of it. From pissing, to showering, flossing, plucking my eyebrows, and lots more. Somehow I ended up half naked, with my hair down and done with make-up on, dancing in front of the mirror, using my brush as a mic, singing at the top of my lungs with no shame, whatsoever.

I was so enthralled in my awesomeness that I didn't realize exactly what was going on til I stepped on my cat under my feet. I snapped back to reality and was standing there, staring at myself in the mirror. Examining the situation, I just burst into laughter.

It felt amazing.
Like I had just burst through the double doors of some sort of figurative imprisonment and with arms raised, started singing "Don't Rain On My Parade," or some other freedom rich, inspirational Broadway chorus.

I wanted a bath after all that, so I headed to the garden tub in the master. I put just enough bubble bath in to get that milky froth on the top of the water. I've never done that before, and still don't know how I did; it felt like silk. I let it coat my skin as I sat back in the screaming hot water, watching my pale skin go from white to bright pink with the heat, and then white again with the coating of the smooth lather of the bubbly stuff.

I read a book.
An entire book.
In the tub (and laughed the entire time).
I've never done that before either.

I shaved my legs, which unfortunately, I haven't been keeping up with lately, what with having no one to impress and all. That made the milky water feel like heaven on my legs.

I did a salt scrub treatment on my hands and feet. Ahhhmazing.

I got out of the tub and made it the whole 10 feet to my bed before collapsing with a heavy relaxation. I laid there and air dried (which I'll advocate, feels so fresh), daydreaming.

I decided that the bathroom is my new favorite place in the house.

If I had to guess, I'd say I'm off to a good start with this alone stuff :) We'll see though.
---

PS- the book I read: "Sh*t My Dad Says" by Justin Halpern;

It's not for the prude, but I highly recommend it.

The List

So, if you've read, listened to, or heard about Tanya Davis, and her spectacular poem, How To Be Alone, you've probably guessed that there will be a list of sorts on this adventure of mine. A kind of bucket list, if you will; a set of things that are to be accomplished, between other random acts of aloneness, before I can say that my journey is complete.

Bathroom

Coffee Shop

Library

Gym

Public Transportation

Prayer & Meditation (Sanctuary)

Lunch Counter

Dinner (In & Out)

Movies

Dancing

Woods
Benches

Unfamiliar City

I may or may not do some of these things in order. Being that I have a toddler with me most of the time, it's gonna be hard to do it in order I think. Opportunities may arise when I'll have the chance to mark one off the bottom of the list first, and I wouldn't want to skip out on doing it, just for the sake of chronological order.

So, there you have it.

Here goes! :)

My Alone Adventure - Intro

So, over the next couple of months, I will be embarking on a new adventure. It will be thrilling. It will be monumental.
It will be... scary.

I call this crusade my "Alone Adventure," b/c this is the chapter of my life in which I'm learning how to be alone.
I almost called it my "Lonely Adventure," but I felt that was misleading and untrue to the reasoning, as this enterprise was inspired by the Canadian poet, Tanya Davis and her How To Be Alone, in which she so eloquently states:

"lonely is a freedom that breaths easy and weightless and lonely is healing if you make it."

I've never really been alone in my life. Not truly. I mean, I can look back on some of my loneliest times, and there was usually someone sitting right next to me. This is a problem. I want to fix it.

Being a single mom a couple times in my life, and currently, I've almost always been in constant company. While being perceived as strong and independent, which I'll attest to, it doesn't mean I was alone. I always had something/someone to distract me, or divert my attention away from my loneliness within.

I want to be comfortable with not just myself, but with who I am. And not just comfortable... but IN LOVE with who I am. Not in the Janis Joplin "Vain," sort of way, but in the way that I can start to really appreciate every little thing about me to the point where I look at my faults as some of my best qualities.

This will be good for me. It will be healing; freeing.
And I want to extend the invitation to you to follow me as I embark on this new journey as I publicly chronicle it here.

If you end up being moved, cry; and let the tears remind you of how hard it is to truly be bold.
If you are inclined to laugh, do it out loud, and with me, instead of at me; let the sound of it comfort you.
If you are inspired, share; with me and with everyone you know. I hope that I will not be the only beneficiary in this progression of self.

<3 -Kris

For more info on Tanya Davis, ref links:

http://www.sonicbids.com/tanyadavis

Tanya's FaceBook Page

http://www.myspace.com/tanyadavismusic

www.twitter.com/tanyadavismusic
www.tanyadavis.ca