So admist the drama that has beset me lately, I found time for myself, amazingly. I've been out of work for a long time, so my daughter has been home with me... all the time. It's difficult to find a sitter, especially when you don't "have" to have one (like for an appt or something), so it's been rather... well, um... hard; y'know to have a person up your butt 24/7. A small person who's inexperienced in the idea of alone-dom no less.
BUT--- last week, we managed to get out of the house & wear ourselves out. We were gone ALL DAY. By the time we got home at 7pm, both of us were pooped, but the tot was so exhausted, she kicked off her shoes and walked straight to her room where she passed out on her bed in her clothes.
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It was so quiet in the house...
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I remember standing in the kitchen; just standing there, staring off into the dark foyer towards her room. I turned around and stared at the darkness seeping from my bedroom. I turned again & stared at the little bit of light struggling to stay above the horizon & blue the sky, while blackness crept in.
I didn't hear a sound.
No ticking clock. No purrs from the cats. No squeak from the unbalanced ceiling fan.
Nothing.
No static. No electronic pulse. No energy lull.
It was, for once, completely silent.
I quietly poured myself a glass of water from the fridge. I propped myself up against the island sink w/the stove light on & just stood there & sipped my water for what seemed like an hour, soaking it up.
It felt good. And it felt good that I was feeling good about it, and not sad.
The silence didn't last too terribly long however, as I began filling my kitchen with sounds of sizzling meat & the chop of crisp veggies against a wood board.
I cooked for myself. Something I really wanted. Something I probably wouldn't normally take the time out to make. It felt good.
I popped in a movie; one I had never seen, but always wanted to. One I knew my daughter would never sit through.
I covered up & slumped down into the couch, slowly ate my food and quietly enjoyed a movie all the way through to the end... alone; for the first time in almost a decade. It felt good.
When it was over, I tidied up a bit, then ever so slowly, one by one, turned out the lights. First the stove, then the kitchen, then the living room lamp.
I got on my pjs, brushed my teeth in the dark, and then called it a night. Crawling into bed that night, I didn't feel lonesome or sorry for myself, as I have alot in the past. I felt good that for once I had silence to cherish & to manipulate the way I wanted to.
I said my prayers, thanked the Lord for the experience & dropped off to sleep.
It felt good :)
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PS- the meal & movie were homemade chilli & Fried Green Tomatoes
